平特五不中

Pride season fills me with nostalgia from聽joyous memories with friends as well as聽an indescribable sadness. Several years ago, a good friend of mine committed suicide. Despite being in a very loving long-term relationship and adored by his friends, he expressed being unable to聽shake a feeling of not belonging. I vividly remember a conversation during which he expressed the internal distress he felt about being a gay man,聽fuelled by judgment from society and his culture. I wish I could have understood then the depth of his suffering.

We have been programmed to have default assumptions about how the world functions. A subset of these聽pervasive聽assumptions include聽heteronormativity聽(that one will be attracted to a member of the opposite sex);聽cisgenderism (that one鈥檚 gender identity will be aligned with the gender assigned at birth); and that gender is a binary construct, that you are either male or female, each of which comes with a rigid framework for gender expression and gender roles.

Human beings are complex, multilayered beings and cannot be reduced to a box or even boxes. The essence of a person cannot be contained. We have to keep striving toward looking at the human experience through a much larger lens, one that does not constrain our vision.

Pride season, to me,聽signals聽the need for a more open discussion about聽gender/sexuality/societal norms.聽Wouldn鈥檛 it be liberating not to have prescribed roles聽to which聽we feel we need to adhere? Rather than spending our time fretting about whether we are behaving in ways everyone is expecting us to, we would have more time for introspection and be free to act in accordance with who we feel we really are.

There is no evidence that gender is in fact binary. Biologically, we all fall on a spectrum of masculine and feminine levels of hormones. Gender falls on a spectrum, regardless of genitalia.聽This fact has been recognized in several cultures, but surprisingly, not in North American culture. The only exception is the notion of 鈥渢wo-spirit鈥� in First Nations culture聽鈥� a sacred social space for non-binary individuals. In contrast, the dominant society seems invested in fitting us into restrictive categories.聽If you fall into this category,聽you must play with these toys, behave this way, dress this way,聽be聽attracted to this gender. 聽And if you dare to challenge your prescribed role,聽society聽will be at best judgmental and聽at worst vicious and cruel.

Categories are聽important for policy, advocacy and laws. However, we have to constantly keep questioning ourselves to ensure that no human being is feeling excluded, or worst of all, made to feel invisible. Every time you fill out a form where there is no box to tick that represents who you are, the world communicates the message: 鈥測ou don鈥檛 belong here.鈥� A聽sense of belonging is absolutely crucial to the human experience. A聽paradigm shift would allow聽looking at relationships with the lens of a聽human being who loves another聽human being who at different points in time could be either male or female or anywhere on the gender spectrum.

Despite above arguments, you may聽still聽be wondering聽to which categories I belong. I would situate myself聽as a cisgender, heterosexual woman. However, this does not fully reflect聽my聽experience, and feels restrictive聽and聽suffocating. I never felt myself fitting into rigid categories either in terms of gender expression or sexual orientation.聽A feeling of love and acceptance is a key聽ingredient in one鈥檚聽lifelong quest toward our authentic self, what I聽 most hope to impart to my children. Everyone should feel loved and supported for who they are by their family,聽family of choice,聽friends and the society at large.

Marjorie Rabiau is a clinical psychologist and assistant professor聽in the聽School of Social Work聽at聽平特五不中.

For more information, see Montreal Gazette.

This year鈥檚 edition of Montreal Pride runs Aug. 9-19.